anxiety & me. lol.

I never really chat about anxiety, mainly because it’s something I’m working through daily, and for me to sit and talk about it or type should I say is a lot, because a lot of people don’t get it sometimes, they find it hard to understand, so it’s often easier to keep it to yourself, but why should I? If people don’t like it then that isn’t my problem..

I mean anxiety has been part of my life for almost 3 years now, I didn’t know what it was prior to that, the same as I don’t know a lot about different illnesses, I guess you only fully understand only if you’re going through it, or really want to learn. It hit me like a ton of bricks I must say, and I’m only really starting to peep out from under them now. I’ve always worried, like god do I worry, I’ve worried since I knew how to use my brain I think, so my minds always been a busy place, but it never stopped me from living a regular life.

I had a job at the time, and my mind had a lot going through it {as per}, and I mean for someone that didn’t know what could happen if you didn’t look out for your mind, I let it slip, and bam I had my first panic attack, brilliant, haha.

I’ve found it hard to recover, and slowly it generally become worse overtime, as I worry a lot and I struggle to understand that I’m the one who has to fix this. Worrying, especially chronically, like I do, makes it worse. You’re constantly worrying it’ll get worse which it does because you’re getting in such a state. Nightmare right? Why weren’t we taught in school how to look after our brains? Hey can’t complain at least I know how to do fractions..

I’m very dramatic, I’m one of those people, who can’t simply just have a slight cold, I’m borderline dying, so I think that could also be why I’ve found it hard to wiggle my way out of anxiety, because bam I have to be dramatic, and make it worse than it ever has to be. Plus no one can just fix this for me. I’m not into taking medication, so I’ve not went down that route personally, good one Sarah, make it a lil harder for ya self.

There’s an utterly endless list of symptoms when it comes to anxiety, but my main ones are light headedness, dizziness, depersonalization, and feeling like you can’t breathe, jesus you know the one, heart palps {lush}, heavy body feeling, like legs and that, I could list many more, but. The dizzy and light headedness is the worst, and it’s what’s made this very hard for me, I hate the idea of collapsing in a heap {not gunna happen, but these symptoms feel beyond real}.

I mean as I said, the worrying, that’s horrific, I’ve always done it though, I worry sometimes that I worry to much. It’s so hardwired into me ; worrying, I can’t just switch it of, pure o ocd too, I did used to experience quite intrusive ongoing thoughts, such as what if I’ve done something bad, without realising, or what if I do one day, those go round and round and round in your head, for weeks? days? months? stop, and creep back in when you least expect.

With these symptoms, I mean I tried to keep leading a regular life, doing the same things I was before, but realistically one thing after another that I did, dropped of my hypothetical truck, and I stopped doing pretty much everything, then..

..Agoraphobia, hm, this has been truly the hardest part of it all, not being about to leave the house, my bedroom, sometimes feeling dread about walking to the bathroom just a couple of steps away. Going places, making sure you knew the exits, the escape routes, for when you inevitably felt light headed, and ran from the situation, as a panic attack engulfs you. No one really talks about how hard agoraphobia is, for me at one point, going along the end of my street in the car and coming back was what I called a ‘great’ day, I’d been out? I’d managed it, I can’t even describe the feeling, then learning to go somewhere as simple as the corner shop again without feeling like you’d keel over when you stepped inside.

People will be mean, they’ll say derogatory things expecting you can get better within a wave of wand.. I’m not living in a fairytale am I? Must have dropped my wand, sorry. But these people are the ones with the problem, what they say is a reflection of them, not you, not ever you.

I isolated myself from friends, and family, I can’t really say I have more than one friend left, and it’s heart breaking sometimes, feeling so lonely, but how do you explain that you can’t leave the house some days, and that simply going into your back garden is an achievement, you’ve been out.. right? What person is going understand this, and stick around for you. It got to the point where I was just going out with my mam because I can trust that she won’t judge if I start having a panic over nothing, and have to come home, but I mean I can’t live like that endlessly.

I worry a lot {brill} that I’ll never really have any close friends again, and also the dread of relationships, like how will I meet someone, and form something, with a friend, or a boy, I mean who would like me if they didn’t HAVE to, but this is totally catastrophising, everything will be fine, breathe.

You say no to plans, any plans, you get jealous of your family popping to a supermarket, who knew I’d feel like that. You stay at home, while people get on with there lives, and you wonder what on earth you’re doing, you end up watching far too much ‘This Morning’ than is possible for your brain to take in.

I’ve not had a job for a couple of years, because of this, but I’m going to build myself back into it, slowly, volunteering first, not as much of a commitment, I’ll have a job again one day. I’ll drive again one day, I promise myself. Driving, whilst borderline having a panic attack isn’t the safest, or best idea, so I gradually stopped that too.

You sit and wonder why and how you let yourself slip this far, but you can’t blame yourself, if you didn’t understand. You get so close to rock bottom, but rock bottom, I mean as cliché as it is, where can you go from there? You’ve got to build, go back up.

Also sometimes, I remind myself that one day this will be a great story to tell people, look what I’ve been through, still here yep, through all of this, strong, and trying each day, at least I can say that for myself.

I think I chose to write this for a couple reasons, number 1 being I’m so shit at explaining things, like you wouldn’t believe, I could bore a corpse with my roundabout way of explaining, so I feel like people, friends and stuff don’t really get me.. {what friends sarah}. Also number 2, um, it might help someone feel less alone? You know we are all on this planet we call Earth together, and I mean we are not getting out alive, as much as I wish we could.. but my point is can’t we all just be friends? hahah, bit of a reach. we could at least learn to be there for one another more readily, perhaps learn to be more empathetic. I mean we all go through mentally challenging times, we are really not alone.

I’m by no means fully better, anxiety will always be a part of my life, and I accept that. But I’m definitely so ; so ; so much better, and making so much progress daily, it’s weird writing about the worst bits, remembering you were actually living that, doesn’t feel real. Although who knows, I might very well end up worse than what I’ve been, that’s something I’ve got to just work on, daily, and try my best to keep on top of.

Writing this has gave me a lump in my throat, and I’m feeling slightly {a lot} on edge, so I need to g9rab my book, do a bit zen, where’s my yoga mat?

{ps. I do mix a lot of humour into this, it’s obviously not a joke, but Christ, I have to keep it light.}

x S

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