Outside.

If you know me very well you’ll know that I worry, I would say I even worry too much. Worry about the fact that I worry too much. I’ve always been like that since I can remember. Always been scared of the unknown or what could happen in my life.

So these years of worrying have took there toll and here I am now. I mean I’m not a massive anixous lump everyday but somedays I can be. As soon as I feel that adreniline rush I need to get outside.

There’s something about outside, I just feel at peace.. Hopefully someone else understands this and feels the same. I think the outside is my happy place mainly because of the fresh air that you get. Which comes onto the massive factor of why I am so against summer, summer and anxiety don’t go well for me mainly because I have health anxiety, and when you get warm personally I feel drained or at least I think I ‘feel drained’.

It’s all about trying to better yourself everyday, it’s currently a hot day outside and I’ve been sat in my room all day worrying, which makes me feel light headed which then leads to me panicking (health anxiety) which makes me feel even worse, of course i’m not going to collapse I know that but for them 20 scary seconds, jeeez I am so going to collapse.

Writing this is making me realise how much I need to push myself, I don’t want my whole life to be spent worrying, I want to be carefree and run around fields like a looney when it’s 30 degrees, but i’m not quite there yet, can I do it? I think I can you know, actually I know I can.

I know a lot of people will never ever understand this and that’s amazing, because I wish I didn’t have to.

Don’t get me wrong I love life and every single aspect of it, I couldn’t be more grateful for it, it’s such a gift right. But I need to get into a routine and make something of the happy mess I am because I know I can.

Sometimes you wouldn’t even realise that I was an anxious person I tend to hide it well and only let the people closesest to me know. I think it’s important as humans that we aren’t afraid to show it, mainly people go through the same thing daily. It should be more talked about because then we wouldn’t feel as insane.

The truth is it’s scary to admit that there is something not right with you, for me it was feeling not strong enough, but really I am strong, talking about it is being strong, and pushing through the hardest of days is strong.

I’m not writing this for any sort of attention I’m not that kinda gal. i’m just writing in hope that this could help someone or giving them the arm held out that they need, because I am always here for anyone who is struggling.

Healing isn’t liner.

God that got a bit deep didn’t it, might go and do my makeup now, blend out my crease and feel great. Also my room is a tip which isn’t very calming, leaflets all over.. is anyone else obsessed with leaflets? mainly because there free I think lmao, love a freebie.

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