xxsarahlamb

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anxiety & me. lol.

I never really chat about anxiety, mainly because it’s something I’m working through daily, and for me to sit and talk about it or type should I say is a lot, because a lot of people don’t get it sometimes, they find it hard to understand, so it’s often easier to keep it to yourself, but why should I? If people don’t like it then that isn’t my problem..

I mean anxiety has been part of my life for almost 3 years now, I didn’t know what it was prior to that, the same as I don’t know a lot about different illnesses, I guess you only fully understand only if you’re going through it, or really want to learn. It hit me like a ton of bricks I must say, and I’m only really starting to peep out from under them now. I’ve always worried, like god do I worry, I’ve worried since I knew how to use my brain I think, so my minds always been a busy place, but it never stopped me from living a regular life.

I had a job at the time, and my mind had a lot going through it {as per}, and I mean for someone that didn’t know what could happen if you didn’t look out for your mind, I let it slip, and bam I had my first panic attack, brilliant, haha.

I’ve found it hard to recover, and slowly it generally become worse overtime, as I worry a lot and I struggle to understand that I’m the one who has to fix this. Worrying, especially chronically, like I do, makes it worse. You’re constantly worrying it’ll get worse which it does because you’re getting in such a state. Nightmare right? Why weren’t we taught in school how to look after our brains? Hey can’t complain at least I know how to do fractions..

I’m very dramatic, I’m one of those people, who can’t simply just have a slight cold, I’m borderline dying, so I think that could also be why I’ve found it hard to wiggle my way out of anxiety, because bam I have to be dramatic, and make it worse than it ever has to be. Plus no one can just fix this for me. I’m not into taking medication, so I’ve not went down that route personally, good one Sarah, make it a lil harder for ya self.

There’s an utterly endless list of symptoms when it comes to anxiety, but my main ones are light headedness, dizziness, depersonalization, and feeling like you can’t breathe, jesus you know the one, heart palps {lush}, heavy body feeling, like legs and that, I could list many more, but. The dizzy and light headedness is the worst, and it’s what’s made this very hard for me, I hate the idea of collapsing in a heap {not gunna happen, but these symptoms feel beyond real}.

I mean as I said, the worrying, that’s horrific, I’ve always done it though, I worry sometimes that I worry to much. It’s so hardwired into me ; worrying, I can’t just switch it of, pure o ocd too, I did used to experience quite intrusive ongoing thoughts, such as what if I’ve done something bad, without realising, or what if I do one day, those go round and round and round in your head, for weeks? days? months? stop, and creep back in when you least expect.

With these symptoms, I mean I tried to keep leading a regular life, doing the same things I was before, but realistically one thing after another that I did, dropped of my hypothetical truck, and I stopped doing pretty much everything, then..

..Agoraphobia, hm, this has been truly the hardest part of it all, not being about to leave the house, my bedroom, sometimes feeling dread about walking to the bathroom just a couple of steps away. Going places, making sure you knew the exits, the escape routes, for when you inevitably felt light headed, and ran from the situation, as a panic attack engulfs you. No one really talks about how hard agoraphobia is, for me at one point, going along the end of my street in the car and coming back was what I called a ‘great’ day, I’d been out? I’d managed it, I can’t even describe the feeling, then learning to go somewhere as simple as the corner shop again without feeling like you’d keel over when you stepped inside.

People will be mean, they’ll say derogatory things expecting you can get better within a wave of wand.. I’m not living in a fairytale am I? Must have dropped my wand, sorry. But these people are the ones with the problem, what they say is a reflection of them, not you, not ever you.

I isolated myself from friends, and family, I can’t really say I have more than one friend left, and it’s heart breaking sometimes, feeling so lonely, but how do you explain that you can’t leave the house some days, and that simply going into your back garden is an achievement, you’ve been out.. right? What person is going understand this, and stick around for you. It got to the point where I was just going out with my mam because I can trust that she won’t judge if I start having a panic over nothing, and have to come home, but I mean I can’t live like that endlessly.

I worry a lot {brill} that I’ll never really have any close friends again, and also the dread of relationships, like how will I meet someone, and form something, with a friend, or a boy, I mean who would like me if they didn’t HAVE to, but this is totally catastrophising, everything will be fine, breathe.

You say no to plans, any plans, you get jealous of your family popping to a supermarket, who knew I’d feel like that. You stay at home, while people get on with there lives, and you wonder what on earth you’re doing, you end up watching far too much ‘This Morning’ than is possible for your brain to take in.

I’ve not had a job for a couple of years, because of this, but I’m going to build myself back into it, slowly, volunteering first, not as much of a commitment, I’ll have a job again one day. I’ll drive again one day, I promise myself. Driving, whilst borderline having a panic attack isn’t the safest, or best idea, so I gradually stopped that too.

You sit and wonder why and how you let yourself slip this far, but you can’t blame yourself, if you didn’t understand. You get so close to rock bottom, but rock bottom, I mean as cliché as it is, where can you go from there? You’ve got to build, go back up.

Also sometimes, I remind myself that one day this will be a great story to tell people, look what I’ve been through, still here yep, through all of this, strong, and trying each day, at least I can say that for myself.

I think I chose to write this for a couple reasons, number 1 being I’m so shit at explaining things, like you wouldn’t believe, I could bore a corpse with my roundabout way of explaining, so I feel like people, friends and stuff don’t really get me.. {what friends sarah}. Also number 2, um, it might help someone feel less alone? You know we are all on this planet we call Earth together, and I mean we are not getting out alive, as much as I wish we could.. but my point is can’t we all just be friends? hahah, bit of a reach. we could at least learn to be there for one another more readily, perhaps learn to be more empathetic. I mean we all go through mentally challenging times, we are really not alone.

I’m by no means fully better, anxiety will always be a part of my life, and I accept that. But I’m definitely so ; so ; so much better, and making so much progress daily, it’s weird writing about the worst bits, remembering you were actually living that, doesn’t feel real. Although who knows, I might very well end up worse than what I’ve been, that’s something I’ve got to just work on, daily, and try my best to keep on top of.

Writing this has gave me a lump in my throat, and I’m feeling slightly {a lot} on edge, so I need to g9rab my book, do a bit zen, where’s my yoga mat?

{ps. I do mix a lot of humour into this, it’s obviously not a joke, but Christ, I have to keep it light.}

x S

this is a goodie isn’t it !?!

she lies in wait ; by gytha lodge! {book review}

I’m so excited to be part of another book tour with Penguin, it’s so exciting to get these books early, and give them my thoughts, forever feeling verrry grateful! I have a goodie here today, so excited to have a little chat about it with you.

LOOK AT THAT GORGEOUS COVER

Blurb

On a hot July in 1983, six school friends go camping in the forest. Bright and brilliant, they are destined for great things, and young Aurora Jackson is dazzled to be allowed to tag along.

Thirty years later, a body is discovered. DCI Sheens is called to the scene, but he already knows what’s waiting for him: Aurora Jackson, found at long last.

But that’s not all. The friends have all maintained their innocence, but the body is found in a hideaway only the six of them knew about.

It seems the killer has always lurked very close to home…

About the Author

Gytha Lodge is a writer and multi-award-winning playwright who lives in Cambridge. After studying creative writing at UEA, she was shortlisted for the Yeovil Literary Prize and the Arts’ Council England fiction awards, and devolved a huge online following for her young adult and children’s writing, with over six million reads accrued on platform Wattpad. She Lies In Wait is her debut novel.

My Thoughts

4/5 Stars

I love anything detective wise, if it’s TV or a book, so I was so excited about this book, I just knew I’d love it, the blurb when I read it had my thinking some many questions before I’d even started. I like a book where you think along and try and work it out, and for me this is exactly what this was, and the police went through each detail of the investigation. It was more detailed than a classic thriller that goes fast and has you on the edge most of the time, but I preferred this way of writing.

I sped through it, I really couldn’t put it down, wanting more details, so I could work it out in my head. The book is told in two different time lines, one being the now as the detectives try and uncover what happened, and the other going back and being told from the point of Aurora herself. I quite enjoy a novel that goes back and forward as long as it’s clear, which it is, with alternating chapters.

Throughout the book DCI Johan Sheen has unwrap the secrets about what happened 30 years ago, but with the group still keeping close, his work is cut out for him.. I didn’t work it out at all, which is a good sign right!? I loved this debut, and I can’t wait to read more for Gytha in the future.

[ She Lies In Wait by Gytha Lodge is out on the 21st of March, eep, get it in your diaries! ]
A huge thanks to Jenny over at Penguin & Gytha for sending me this copy to review, and allowing me to be part of this book tour. It was so exciting to get to read this early! {gifted}.

x S

the glass woman ; by caroline lee! {book review}

Eeep I’m back again with another blog review .. I was lucky enough to get contancted by Jenny from Penguin again to be included in the book tour for The Glass Woman by Caroline Lee.

Blurb

Jon Eriksson buried one wife this year. How long before he buries a second?

1686, Iceland. An isolated, windswept landscape. Rosa is newly betrothed to Jon.

The villagers look on them both with suspicion.

They whisper dark threats.

There is an evil here – Rosa can feel it.

Alone and far from home, Rosa sees the darkness coming.

She fear she will be it’s next victim . . .

About the Author

Caroline Lea grew up in Jersey and gained a First in English Literature and Creative Writing from Warwick University, where she now teaches writing. Her fiction and poetry have been shortlisted for the Bridport Prize. This is her first novel published in the UK.

My Thoughts

4.5/5 Stars

Firstly as this book is set in Iceland, somewhere I long to visit, it got me so excited, I can transport to Iceland through a book? Perfect, it did just that, I felt as though I was there. Caroline’s writing is absolutely amazing, I just fell in love with the landscape she painted in my head, and the characters in the book {I didn’t quite want it to end ..}.

The main characters include Rosa and Jon, Rosa marries Jon whom is a wealthy man to help provide for her ailing mother. As she moves Rosa finds herself feeling isolated and scared, she discovers that her husband Jon recently buried his previous wife in the middle of the night .. She wonders what he could be hiding and longs to discover the truth .. As the story unravels you learn more about Jon and his past. It’s a truly gripping dark story, one that I won’t forget for a while ..

.. Also, quickly, the cover of the book is utterly stunning, I can’t get enough of it, such a beautiful illustration.

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here is the blog tour poster, make sure to check out all of the other amazing book bloggers posts coming up !!! x

{ The Glass Woman by Caroline Lea, is out TOMORROW {eep, get your hands on it}, the 7th of February.

A huge thanks to Penguin & Caroline (for writing this! hehe) for sending me this copy to review, and allowing me to be part of this book tour, and read this amazing book early! {gifted}.

x S

the silver moon story book ; by Elaine Gunn! {book review}

Ahh, don’t you just love fairy tales, they’re something you treasure forever {still have the books from when I was young}. Well I’ve been lucky enough to be a gifted a gorgeous new *ahem* FEMINIST story book {that yes I’ll it treasure forever} and I wanna tell you all about it.

Now with general fairy tales, from what I can think, it was always women who had  a hardship and needed to await a man to come and ‘save’ them, gets a little tedious at times, because hey us women can manage ourselves. Elaine has written these fairy tales feminist style, and the women have strength {we can manage thanks price charming..} and they were so refreshing to read, and I feel in ways relatable {well as much as possible for a fairy tale}.

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So there is seven stories in total, and I honestly loved them all, you get to learn about the charters in depth and there is a lot I got from each story, I guess everyone interprets things in different ways, but this is what my brain plucked from each one.

  1. From the first one named ‘The Little Witch‘ I got the message that you can be loved when you don’t feel like you can be, also that knowing not to raise your hand to women or anyone for that matter is a important thing to remember.
  2. The second one ‘The Weaver‘ it showed that men deemed as ‘powerful’ and ‘in control’ don’t always win, also the woman got through her fear and became friends with it. YOU GO GIRL.
  3. The Enormous Clown‘ this story very nicely linked back to the first one, it showed that even when people don’t believe in what you want to do, ie. the dad in this case, you can still go and do what you set out to and succeed, just need to believe in yourself. Also that it’s okay for boys to cry and show emotion, which is a very important message these days.
  4. The Changeling‘ showed a mother love and strength when her boy got taken {he was returned} and how he began to resent all women, it was sister that saved him from it when he was sad, lost and lonely, raised talking about periods a little too.
  5. The Unicorn‘ oh it showed a lot of resilience, not giving up if you believe something isn’t right, and never giving up. It oozed girl power which a strong sister bond. Also a very caring to animals side, and helping others.
  6. The Strong Man‘ was about a bully who would pick on the ‘ugly’ {I say that loosely, no ones ugly, beauty in everything n everyone}, and he would single them out in front of everyone. But the little gnome stood up to the bully, and married the bearded lady, whom never thought anyone would love her.
  7. The final one ‘The Sea Queen‘ really portrayed abuse as a child, the women had forgotten as she got older, and resulted in anger to those around her, as she resented other people, but hey she became happier again. {BRILLIANT}!

Phew, that was a lot of explaining, I thought it would be nice to point out how amazing this book is and that you NEED to purchase it, due to the messages it gets across, the stories are so captivating and I didn’t want it to end {i need a second volume..}. Read it yourself, or children, teenagers, grandmas, grandads, EVERYONE! These stories will leave you believing in real life magic, with a touch of sparkle left in your heart, with the realistic spin, not left deflated after yet another man saves everyone..

A quick note on how beautiful the book itself, a hardback blue cover, with gorgeous silver writing and drawings on the front. It’s been illustrated by Megan MacPhie, and the drawing throughout are utterly beautiful, and guess what?! you can colour them in if you so wish ~ which helps out anxiety a little, I can’t actually express how fabulous this book is. One last thing {i can’t stop raving about it}, at the very back there is a ‘notes’ section, with lines, now how good would this be to do your own little story!? genius.

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About Elaine

She is a mum of three boys 8, 7 and 5, a big feminist and trying to learn as much as she can about inclusivity. Also a holistic therapist, seeing clients for Reiki or Dr Hauschka therapy as part of a portfolio career. This is her first book, and she’s pretty much learning the whole process as she goes. 

I took a little extract from Elaine’s website in which explains how she came about to write this book..  {you can read the rest ~here~!

‘ I was recently asked by a bloke on the internet “what is a pro-woman fairy tale?”..

I wanted to give children and young adults (and maybe even their parents) something to read that was a bit more thoughtful than the mainstream, with more modern values. And to give you the full and final answer I sent my fabulously informative internet pal, pro-woman to me simply means that my women are not reduced to a one-dimensional role in relation to how desirable (or otherwise) they are to men. It also means that many of my male characters are strong enough to overcome limiting and damaging patriarchal values. In that respect, Hans Christian Andersen was light years ahead of the modern retellings of his work, and I am an awful lot more inspired by his angle on it all.’

Elaine’s Twitter ; Purchase The Silver Moon Story Book Here ; Elaine’s Website !

x S

blog tour ; the chestnut man ~ soren sveistrup

I was so excited when Jenny from Penguin got in touch with me and wanted to send a copy of this book my way, it sounded amazing, and I couldn’t wait to get my head into it and start reading!

So The Chestnut Man is the debut novel from Soren Sveistrup who is the creator and writer of the TV show The Killing. This book comes out on the 10th January 2019.

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here we have a full list of the bloggers involved in the book tour!

Blurb

In a playground just outside Copenhagen a woman is found dead with one hand cut off. A small chestnut figure hangs over her. Naia Thulin and Mark Hess are sent to investigate but they soon discover another woman has been brutally murdered. This time both her hands have been cut off. And the chestnut figure is back. Thulin and Hess soon suspect that these murdered women are connected to the missing daughter of Rosa Hartung, the Minister for Social Affairs, and work against the clock to stop the killer from striking again.

About the Author

Soren Sveistrup is an internationally acclaimed scriptwriter of the Danish television phenomenon The Killing which won various international awards and solo in more than a hundred countries. More recently, Sveistrup wrote the screenplay for Jo Nesbo’s The Snowman. Sveistrup obtained a master in Literature and in History from the University of Copenhagen and studied at the Danish Film School. He has won countless prizes, including an Emmy for Nikolaj and Julie and a BAFTA for The Killing.

My Thoughts

★★★★ ★ ~ 5/5

I absolutely loved this book, it’s a thriller/mystery, that had me gripped from the start, I couldn’t put it down. When I first saw it I thought it might be a bit long, and dragged due to the amount of pages, but I was SO wrong, it moved very fast, and was a delight to read. It kept you guessing all the way through, which I love with mystery’s.. too many can be predictable. It is very intense and gory, I defiantly didn’t read it at night let me tell you that. But the story line is just amazing, and if you love a thriller you need to pick this up in the new year.

A huge thanks to Penguin & Soren (for writing this!!!) for sending me this copy to review, and allowing me to be part of this book tour, and read this amazing book early, eep!

x S