anxiety & me. lol.

I never really chat about anxiety, mainly because it’s something I’m working through daily, and for me to sit and talk about it or type should I say is a lot, because a lot of people don’t get it sometimes, they find it hard to understand, so it’s often easier to keep it to yourself, but why should I? If people don’t like it then that isn’t my problem..

I mean anxiety has been part of my life for almost 3 years now, I didn’t know what it was prior to that, the same as I don’t know a lot about different illnesses, I guess you only fully understand only if you’re going through it, or really want to learn. It hit me like a ton of bricks I must say, and I’m only really starting to peep out from under them now. I’ve always worried, like god do I worry, I’ve worried since I knew how to use my brain I think, so my minds always been a busy place, but it never stopped me from living a regular life.

I had a job at the time, and my mind had a lot going through it {as per}, and I mean for someone that didn’t know what could happen if you didn’t look out for your mind, I let it slip, and bam I had my first panic attack, brilliant, haha.

I’ve found it hard to recover, and slowly it generally become worse overtime, as I worry a lot and I struggle to understand that I’m the one who has to fix this. Worrying, especially chronically, like I do, makes it worse. You’re constantly worrying it’ll get worse which it does because you’re getting in such a state. Nightmare right? Why weren’t we taught in school how to look after our brains? Hey can’t complain at least I know how to do fractions..

I’m very dramatic, I’m one of those people, who can’t simply just have a slight cold, I’m borderline dying, so I think that could also be why I’ve found it hard to wiggle my way out of anxiety, because bam I have to be dramatic, and make it worse than it ever has to be. Plus no one can just fix this for me. I’m not into taking medication, so I’ve not went down that route personally, good one Sarah, make it a lil harder for ya self.

There’s an utterly endless list of symptoms when it comes to anxiety, but my main ones are light headedness, dizziness, depersonalization, and feeling like you can’t breathe, jesus you know the one, heart palps {lush}, heavy body feeling, like legs and that, I could list many more, but. The dizzy and light headedness is the worst, and it’s what’s made this very hard for me, I hate the idea of collapsing in a heap {not gunna happen, but these symptoms feel beyond real}.

I mean as I said, the worrying, that’s horrific, I’ve always done it though, I worry sometimes that I worry to much. It’s so hardwired into me ; worrying, I can’t just switch it of, pure o ocd too, I did used to experience quite intrusive ongoing thoughts, such as what if I’ve done something bad, without realising, or what if I do one day, those go round and round and round in your head, for weeks? days? months? stop, and creep back in when you least expect.

With these symptoms, I mean I tried to keep leading a regular life, doing the same things I was before, but realistically one thing after another that I did, dropped of my hypothetical truck, and I stopped doing pretty much everything, then..

..Agoraphobia, hm, this has been truly the hardest part of it all, not being about to leave the house, my bedroom, sometimes feeling dread about walking to the bathroom just a couple of steps away. Going places, making sure you knew the exits, the escape routes, for when you inevitably felt light headed, and ran from the situation, as a panic attack engulfs you. No one really talks about how hard agoraphobia is, for me at one point, going along the end of my street in the car and coming back was what I called a ‘great’ day, I’d been out? I’d managed it, I can’t even describe the feeling, then learning to go somewhere as simple as the corner shop again without feeling like you’d keel over when you stepped inside.

People will be mean, they’ll say derogatory things expecting you can get better within a wave of wand.. I’m not living in a fairytale am I? Must have dropped my wand, sorry. But these people are the ones with the problem, what they say is a reflection of them, not you, not ever you.

I isolated myself from friends, and family, I can’t really say I have more than one friend left, and it’s heart breaking sometimes, feeling so lonely, but how do you explain that you can’t leave the house some days, and that simply going into your back garden is an achievement, you’ve been out.. right? What person is going understand this, and stick around for you. It got to the point where I was just going out with my mam because I can trust that she won’t judge if I start having a panic over nothing, and have to come home, but I mean I can’t live like that endlessly.

I worry a lot {brill} that I’ll never really have any close friends again, and also the dread of relationships, like how will I meet someone, and form something, with a friend, or a boy, I mean who would like me if they didn’t HAVE to, but this is totally catastrophising, everything will be fine, breathe.

You say no to plans, any plans, you get jealous of your family popping to a supermarket, who knew I’d feel like that. You stay at home, while people get on with there lives, and you wonder what on earth you’re doing, you end up watching far too much ‘This Morning’ than is possible for your brain to take in.

I’ve not had a job for a couple of years, because of this, but I’m going to build myself back into it, slowly, volunteering first, not as much of a commitment, I’ll have a job again one day. I’ll drive again one day, I promise myself. Driving, whilst borderline having a panic attack isn’t the safest, or best idea, so I gradually stopped that too.

You sit and wonder why and how you let yourself slip this far, but you can’t blame yourself, if you didn’t understand. You get so close to rock bottom, but rock bottom, I mean as cliché as it is, where can you go from there? You’ve got to build, go back up.

Also sometimes, I remind myself that one day this will be a great story to tell people, look what I’ve been through, still here yep, through all of this, strong, and trying each day, at least I can say that for myself.

I think I chose to write this for a couple reasons, number 1 being I’m so shit at explaining things, like you wouldn’t believe, I could bore a corpse with my roundabout way of explaining, so I feel like people, friends and stuff don’t really get me.. {what friends sarah}. Also number 2, um, it might help someone feel less alone? You know we are all on this planet we call Earth together, and I mean we are not getting out alive, as much as I wish we could.. but my point is can’t we all just be friends? hahah, bit of a reach. we could at least learn to be there for one another more readily, perhaps learn to be more empathetic. I mean we all go through mentally challenging times, we are really not alone.

I’m by no means fully better, anxiety will always be a part of my life, and I accept that. But I’m definitely so ; so ; so much better, and making so much progress daily, it’s weird writing about the worst bits, remembering you were actually living that, doesn’t feel real. Although who knows, I might very well end up worse than what I’ve been, that’s something I’ve got to just work on, daily, and try my best to keep on top of.

Writing this has gave me a lump in my throat, and I’m feeling slightly {a lot} on edge, so I need to g9rab my book, do a bit zen, where’s my yoga mat?

{ps. I do mix a lot of humour into this, it’s obviously not a joke, but Christ, I have to keep it light.}

x S

this is a goodie isn’t it !?!

R PLACE ~ doughnuts!

I think realistically this is the most exciting blog opportunity to date. I’m so excited to be writing this, a food review!! on a pop up café!! EXCITING, right!? So the pop up café in question is called ‘R Place’ it’s ran by two lovely ladies that became friends over their love of rock music & cuppa teas, perfect! They went from a permanent location in Newcastle to using a converted (very cool) Bedford CF truck, and basically the pop up wherever you want them, any events you can think of! They also do home delivery to Newcastle and surrounding areas!

The menu consists of doughnuts & drink, I mean that is bloody perfect menu! In all honesty I’ve never quite tasted doughnuts as good in my life (.. and I’ve tried a lot). Now I’ve been very blessed to choose 4 doughnut (from the huge list) to try out and tell me opinions on, so here I am, let’s get chatting about doughnuts!

One of my favourite combinations in the world is bacon with pancakes so when I noticed a maple bacon doughnut on the menu, I had to choose, and WOW, oh my goodness, what a taste sensation, it’s the best thing I’ve put in my mouth if I’m honest, I’d be happy with a box of 24, honestly YUM. ps. look how crispy the bacon is, gosh my favourite!!!

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Next one of my second favourite food combos is chocolate orange, again this was just a delight, a delicious delight, the perfect amount of chocolate and orange, just so divine. The orange zest is on the top, but also through the doughnut! Also the doughnuts themselves aren’t heavy or stodgy, you know you get some like that, these are so light and just wow. (can you tell I’m a fan..)

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I used to always eat the rhubarb and custard sweeties, and thought I better just choose this to see what rhubarb and custard tasted like in doughnut form. This had huge chunks of rhubarb which had been caramelised on which is fab and vanilla custard icing on, big yum from me!

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When you get me into autumn / winter I’m always thinking about black forest hot chocolates, you know seasonal. Yes you better believe they have a black forest meringue doughnut!! This has lemon in the doughnut it’s self, lovely fruity icing and mini meringues, how blooming cute, plus how pleasing to the eye!?

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I mean overall I’m a little obsessed, I know where I’ll be going when I want a doughnut or 12. The range that they do is literally incredible, they’ll have something for everyone I’m absolutely sure as there’s over 40 flavours!

I’ll leave a few of their links so you can have a little look for yourselves. (you so should) Website ; Instagram ; Facebook. If you want to order the doughnuts/drinks to your home just give them an email ~ itsrplace@hotmail.co.uk ~ they can give you a menu & prices from there!

Just want to finish with a huge thank you to the ladies at R Place for bringing me these doughnuts yesterday, I love them of course and I’m going to rave about constantly haha!

Xx

THE BOOKS I’VE READ IN AUGUST

I’ve only very recently got myself into reading, and like most things I do in life, I don’t just ‘like’ them, I become fully hooked & obsessed, and have to buy every book I lay my eyes on. But that aside, I’ve been loving it, so relaxing. You see I always thought I was a super slow reader, but here I am, I’ve read three ( !! 3 whole books !! ) in August ( ! pat on the back there Sarah ya gem ! ). So I thought ( if I keep up the reading.. ) I could do this every month, let ya know what I’ve read in the month, and what my thoughts on the books are!?

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The Queen of Bloody Everything

Synopsis

Have you ever wished for a different mother? Dido has… As Edie Jones lies in a bed on the fourteenth floor of a Cambridge hospital, her adult daughter Dido tells their story, starting with the day that changed everything. That was the day Dido – age six years and twenty-seven days old – met the handsome Tom Trevelyan, his precocious sister, Harry, and their parents, Angela and David. The day Dido fell in love with a family completely different from her own. Because the Trevelyans were exactly the kind of family Dido dreamed of: Normal. Joanna Nadin’s first novel for adults, The Queen of Bloody Everything, is about mothers, daughters, and how family might be what you make it, but you can’t change where you come from.

Review

★★★☆☆ ~ 3/5

I know you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover but, the thing that attracted me to this book was indeed the cover, it’s beautiful and very 70s. I wanted to be able to just step into this book, and be in the garden that was described, it’s amazing. It has a great mother and daughter focus, along with neighbour relationships. You hear all about Dido’s life from her perspective, highly recommend!

The Keeper of Lost Things

Synopsis

Anthony Peardew is the Keeper of ‘lost things’. Forty years ago he carelessly lost a keepsake from his beloved Therese. That very same day, she died unexpectedly. Broken-hearted, Anthony sought consolation in rescuing lost objects – the things others have dropped, misplaced, or accidentally left behind – and writing stories about them. Now, in the twilight of his life, he worries that he has not fully discharged his duty to reconcile all the lost things with their owners. As the end nears, he bequeaths his secret life’s mission to his unsuspecting housekeeper Laura, the one person he can trust to fulfil his legacy. But the final wishes of the Keeper of ‘lost things’ have unforeseen repercussions that trigger a most serendipitous series of encounters…

Review

★★★☆☆ ~ 3/5

I really did enjoy this book also, you just from the start wanted everyone to retrieve their lost things, and find out the stories that went with them. It did turn and have a ghost storyline for a little bit in the middle, but it defiantly wasn’t overpowering, or confusing, it fit quite nicely. I’d just say I wish there had been a few more stories of the lost things being returned.

Three Things About Elsie

Synopsis

Eighty-four year-old Florence has fallen in her flat at Cherry Tree Home for the Elderly. As she waits to be rescued, Florence wonders if a terrible secret from her past is about to come to light; and, if the charming new resident is who he claims to be, why does he look exactly a man who died sixty years ago?

Review

★★★★★ ~ 5/5

WOW, this book is the best I’ve read (granted that’s not many), but I don’t see any books beating this for a long time. I just fell in love with all of the characters, especially Florence & Jack. This was a page turner, it made my laugh at loud, wonder what was going to happen, it had me gripped, and also made me cry. It shows the effects of dementia very well, and portrays the older generation perfectly. I never wanted this book to end, and I will defiantly be read it again. Last quick point, the cover?! Gosh I love it, it’s so cosy and just perfect. If you haven’t read this, then do!

I’ve made myself a Good Reads account where ya can basically add all the books you want to read, and save the ones you’ve already read to see your progress, you can have a look at my account on there if you want to see what I fancy reading next.. ~here~!

Xx

seksy embrace ; fragrance review!

I love wearing a perfume daily, I feel like it’s the final piece of your outfit, right!? It’s what most people notice on you, and it’s something that’s very individual.

Recently the brand Seksy have launched a new fragrance collection, called Prism Parfums, Seksy themselves have collaborated with both Time Products, and Swarovski to make the three perfumes happen. The three signature fragrances are designed to embody female tastes across the globe. 

I chose the Seksy Embrace scent, as it sounded most up my street out of the three, and plus, it’s orange, well more peach, but anything warmed toned I love. ( Choosing a perfume because of it’s colour, ok Sarah, you do you ). Anyway it’s hard to describe a scent isn’t it, why isn’t someone inventing smell through screens?! Getting away from the point.. Seksy Embrace is described as floral, feminine, enchanting, and seductive. It has top notes of orange blossom, blackcurrant and pear. The heart is rich with iris, jasmine and patchouli. It’s also a little musky with vanilla, Tonka bean and praline to create a deep and opulent finish. ( !! totally didn’t read that from a sheet !! ). In my words, basically a delight, I’d say it’s more for me something I’ll wear in the coming Autumn months rather than summer, but I’ve been loving it, it’s hard to choose a scent without smelling, but I chose goooood!

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The packaging, or should I say the bottle, we must chat about that next, it’s amazing, it’s a 12 sided glass bottle, that has a lil crystal at the top, stunning! Also has a crystal that you can pop of and use as a charm, or can leave on the bottle! It’s defiantly an easy size / shape to pop in your handbag, which is always HANDY ( ! lol ! ).

Defiantly have a look at the other two fragrances over on the Seksy beauty website ~here~. And here is a lil link to Seksy Embrace ( ! my fave ! ), ~here~!

*the products mentioned in this post have been sent to me for free, but all my opinions are my own*

Love yas x

wellvivid mirror

Mirrors are pretty much an essential for everyone, not just makeup obsessed people like me, but this one I’m about to chat about is very amazing for getting your face on, it’s very quickly became the mirror I use daily, and something I don’t understand how I lived without.

First of all the mirror size is perfect for everyday, you can see everything and it’s a lot bigger than the previous mirror I used daily (which was the no7 light up mirror). Because it’s more of a rectangle shape you can see everything, and it makes it fab to do your hair in too!

Along with the main mirror, on the left hand side you had a 2x zoom mirror and a 3x zoom mirror, which are perfect for looking close up, I tend to use the for when I pluck my eyebrows (when I can be bothered to go through the pain of that haha!) Then on the right hand side of the main mirror you are blessed with a normal rectangle mirror, which is fab as you can see side views, and just adds of course MORE mirror space!

Even though there is a lot of mirror space the mirror itself is still compact, and it all folds back up (as you’ll see in the photos), which is so handy for storing, and also for travelling! It has a shelf you could say where you can pop whatever you want, ie. the makeup you’re using which is super handy!

As well as being a fab general mirror it LIGHTS UP, woo! Perfect when you’re doing your makeup as you can see your face super clearly. You can choose how bright you want it too which is brill, just be dimming it. To make it work you can either use batteries, or just plug into a plug via a usb / just your phone charger!

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All in all I am truly obsessed with this mirror and don’t know how I did my makeup right without it!! ~haha~. 

Head over to the Well Vivid website ~here~ and have a lil read up about the mirror in there words! Also buy the Well Vivid mirror from Amazon through the link ~here~!

A massive thank you to the team at Wellvivid, they are so lovely, and I don’t think you could buy from a nicer couple! SO HELPFUL

*the products mentioned in this post have been sent to me for free, but all my opinions are my own*

Love yas x